QUESTION: My 4-year-old son is very disobedient and kicks and screams and hits people with out any reason.

    My name is Melanie and I am having a big big problem with my 4 year old son. He is very disobedient and kicks and screems and hits people with out any reason. Maybe I did something wrong in my training, what ever it is I want to change it but I dont know what to do.  I am very embarrassed by him. Please help me SOS.

ANSWER: My 4-year-old son is very disobedient and kicks and screams and hits people with out any reason.

     It can be very frustrating being a parent. Obviously your son’s behavior is unacceptable and destructive. It needs to stop at once. You need to have a talk with your son.
    Explain to him that kicking, hitting, and screaming is wrong. It hurts people and it isn’t how Jesus wants us to treat others. Ask him if we likes to be hit or kicked, when we says no, tell him "neither do other people like you hitting or kicking them." Tell him that from now on when he hits, kicks, screams, or mistreats another person, there will be a consequence (a punishment) for his actions. A minute or two in the time-out chair usually works well at this age for punishment. When you put your son in time-out be sure he understands why he is being punished. When you take your son out of time out, be sure to remind him that Jesus wants us to be kind to others and that he needs to say he is sorry to the person he hurt. Jesus tells us to ask forgiveness when we wrong others.
    The important thing here is be consistent. Don’t punish him for it one day and let it slide the next. After a few days of seeing you are serious, his destructive behavior will start to go away.
    I also suggest you read The First 7 Years by Dr. Kay Kuzma. It is full of information on discipline and character development (including being kind to others). You will find it very helpful to you as a parent. You can get a copy at your local ABC or online at www.AdventistBookCenter.com.
    Answer provided by Nicole Batten, editor of Adventist Parenting.

 
QUESTION: My son is 15-years-old. Is it too late to train him in the right way and teach him obedience and respect?

When a child has reached 15-years-old and has been used to doing what he wants, is it too late to train him in the right way and teach himm obedience and respect towards authority, including God? Brenda in Georgia.

ANSWER: My son is 15-years-old. Is it too late to train him in the right way and teach him obedience and respect?

    It can be very hard to encourage a teenager in the right direction, and to teach them obedience and respect when they have been used to living differently. There are lots of questions I would like to ask you about your family that would help me to respond to your question, such as whether your family is a blended family, how your son relates to his father and other male role models, or whether you are new Christians.
    But the good news for all parents is that God can work with anyone, whatever age they are and whatever their experience of life and relationships. His Holy Spirit can transform hearts and minds and lives no matter where they are. The way He transforms people, and their characters, is through His overwhelming love. As we experience His love, we want to respond by obeying Him. A relational equation that is useful to remember is that ‘rules without relationship equals rebellion’. One of the secrets of working with challenging teenagers is to discover how they would like to experience your love, and to use that knowledge to help you find ways to build your relationship with them, so that they are more likely to respond positively to your requests. They also need to know that your love is not dependent on their behaviour, and that you will love them even when they make mistakes, or forget what you asked them to do, or respond rebelliously. This isn’t easy for you as a parent, especially when you are also parenting a newborn. So make sure that you get all the support you need to give you the strength to parent your challenging teen.
    Gary Chapman’s books about The Five Languages can help you to identify and understand your teen’s love languages. Does your teen like to spend time doing fun things with you; does he like to have a hug or a pat on the back now and again; does he appreciate encouraging words or long chats into the night; does he enjoy surprise gifts every now and again; or would he like help with his schoolwork, or someone to work alongside him when he needs to do a task he doesn’t like? If you aren’t sure what his love language is, ask him to make a list of the times when he feels closest to you, or most positive about your relationship, and look for a preference pattern.
    The New Testament contains several relational commands, sometimes known as ‘the one anothers’, as in ‘love one another.’ These are all practical expressions of love, and different ways to build and strengthen the bonds between people. Some of these are acceptance, affection, approval, appreciation, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security and support. We each have different ways in which we like to experience these bonders, and it is important to find out what these are. Some families try to make sure that they express their love for their children in as many of these ways as possible, every day, or at least every week. For more information about the top ten relational needs visit Dr. David Ferguson’s website at www.greatcommandment.net.
    One of the best ways to teach kids respect is to show them respect, even when they don’t deserve it, and especially when they haven’t earned it. The more respect someone is shown, the more respectful they often become. What does respect mean to your son and how does he like to others to show respect to him? When does he show respect to you and what is happening at those times that may make this possible?
    You could also have a collaborative conversation with your son. Try to talk about your issues as ‘our’ (yours and his) problems, rather than just his problem. This puts you both on the same side when you talk about the problem and when you try to tackle it, and tends to reduce defensive responses. Tell him that one of your hopes is to have a better relationship with him. Ask him what he thinks the benefits would be for him if you both got on better. You might like to tell him how it would help you too. Ask him what he thinks you could both do that would help to build the relationship. Listen without being defensive, and see if there is anything you could learn from the conversation, if he is willing to talk with you. How can you work together to have a happier experience of family life?
    Think about a time when he was compliant and obedient. What was happening when he chose to be obedient? What house-rules does he obey? There are usually some rules, however small, or taken for granted, that he could be obeying. Look for examples of his obedience, or helpful behaviour, and tell him how much you appreciate it when he does those things. People are transformed far more effectively by appreciation than by nagging and criticism. One frustrated dad, desperately looking for a positive comment to make about his son, praised him for having a tidy ceiling in his bedroom!
    Some parents also find it helpful to use a simple formula for expressing a concern about their child’s behaviour. When you do A (An action) in situation B (Be specific) the effect on me (my feelings, or my life) is C (Consequences). This can help your child to understand the effect his behaviour is having on you, something which he may not have considered or understood. It also helps you to express your concern without blaming him.
    We have a friend who was a very rebellious teenager. Her behaviour was so bad she was excluded from school several times and the staff refused to work with her. Her parents and pastor begged for her to be given another chance to prove herself. They prayed for her, listened to her, showered her with love and acceptance, gave her some important responsibilities at home and church, arranged for counselling, helped her to set goals and targets, and learn good study skills. Two years later she gained a place to study medicine at a good university.
    Miracles happen. Keep praying and hoping. God is on your side and He has had lots of experience of dealing with rebellious hearts.
     Answer provided by Karen Holford, MSc in Family Therapy, MA in Educational and Developmental Psychology, works as the Family and Children’s Ministries Director together with her husband, Bernie, in the South England Conference.