QUESTION: How can I get my child to sleep through the night?

    I still can't get my three-year-old child to sleep through the night. We are ready to consider anything, even medication. Please help. DMS.

ANSWER: How can I get my child to sleep through the night?

   “How can I get my child to sleep through the night?” is one of the questions most frequently asked by parents.  So, take heart, you are not alone!  That doesn’t, however, solve your problem or get you some well deserved rest.
    It sounds to me like your little girl has developed a sleep rhythm disturbance, usually caused by problems in her patterns of sleeping and waking and in her daily routine.  If she has become accustomed to sleeping at the “wrong” hours, at this point she might be unable to sleep later in the morning or go to sleep earlier in the evening.
    This is a complex situation which deserves very careful evaluation and treatment.  As a first step, I suggest that you obtain a copy of Richard Ferber’s book, Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems:  New, Revised, and Expanded Edition (paperback, published by Fireside, 2006).  Dr. Ferber, who is the Director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at the Children’s Hospital in Boston, carefully explains all the different types of sleep disorders and their treatment.  Most sleep disorders can be treated by the parents, following the procedures described in his book.  The treatments, however, are very detailed and must be followed exactly to obtain positive results.  In effect, you will be retraining your child’s sleep rhythms.  Be aware, you may get less sleep for a while, but most sleep rhythm disturbances can be corrected in two to three weeks.
    I recommend that you hold off on any medications until you have tried the type of treatment detailed by Dr. Ferber.  Medications are not magic!  All medications have side effects and some create more difficult problems.  I think you are sensible to be cautious at this time.  If you live near a major medical center where there is a sleep disorders clinic, you would be wise to consider professional help if you are unable to solve the problem yourselves.     
    Answer provided by Donna J. Habenicht, Ed.D., professor emeritus of educational and pyschological counseling psychology at Andrews University.    


QUESTION: Do you have any suggestions for helping our son to get a restful night sleep on his own?

    Our oldest son is now four and I can pretty much count on both hands the number of nights he has slept through the night on his own since birth!  My husband and I have tried everything and we are at our wits end!  We have talked to our pediatrician and tried all the methods possible, with the exception of locking his bedroom door.  When we talk to our son about why he doesn’t want to sleep in his room, he says it’s because he can’t see us, and despite our best efforts to console him and reassure him that he will see us in the morning, it just doesn’t work. 
    To make matters worse, once we are able to actually get him to sleep, after sitting on the floor and creeping out unnoticed, when he wakes up in the night he’s unable to go back to sleep on his own and comes to our room and wakes up nearly every night.  We are so tired and frustrated, as I am sure he must be too.  Do you have any suggestions or know of any resources for helping our son to get a restful night sleep on his own?  Tonia from Staunton, VA.

ANSWER: Do you have any suggestions for helping our son to get a restful night sleep on his own?

    Hello Sleepless in Staunton. My heart goes out to you as a parent, not only because of the sheer frustration of so many years of interrupted sleep, but also because our own three children struggled to sleep well when they were young, and we remember doing the sitting on the floor and creeping out trick!
    It can be incredibly scary to be a small child who is anticipating falling asleep, alone, in a dark place, at night. It is easy for adults to forget how vulnerable a child can feel, and how many fears the night can bring. What happens when I sleep? Will I die (I once heard someone at church say that dead people were just sleeping)? Who will look after me if mom and dad go to sleep too? If I have a nightmare, or get sick, will mom and dad hear me and come and help?
    Our daughter struggled to sleep on her own from 14-20 months of age. We tried everything we knew to get her to sleep, but she seemed to be afraid to sleep without us there. Finally, when she was 20 months old, she had enough words to tell us why she was so scared. Once she could express her fears we could comfort and reassure her and she began to sleep more easily.

Here are a few things that may be useful:

  • Become like a child again and think about the fears you might have about sleeping on your own.
  • Listen to your child’s fears, however irrational, and find practical ways to reassure them.
  • Are your ideas about your child sleeping in a different room tightly linked to your own culture? What would be different for you and your child if you lived in another time or place where it was normal for children to sleep in the same room as their parents?
  • When your son has managed to sleep on his own, what was different, and what helped him?
  • Take time to be with your child during the day, listen to him, play with him, check that his needs for attention, comfort, feeling loved and safe, and being appreciated have been met.
  • Try sleeping in his bedroom for a while, and then you will be the ones moving out when he is more settled.
  • Children can benefit from exercising in the fresh air every day, as long as this is at least three hours before bed time.
  • If you are a tired parent, nap when your child sleeps in the day, or find a friend who will look after your child for you for a couple of hours while you catch up with your sleep.


An older child can be jealous of the time that the parents spend with a baby in the day, or that the baby gets to sleep with mom and dad at night, and they may need some special attention and togetherness with their parents that is just for them. The website www.sleepforkids.org is a fun website to teach children about sleep and how important it is. It also has useful tips for helping children get a better night’s sleep.A comforting thing to remember is that children usually sleep through the night by the time they start school, and once they are teenagers, it can be hard to wake them up!
     Answer provided by Karen Holford, MSc in Family Therapy, MA in Educational and Developmental Psychology, works as the Family and Children’s Ministries Director together with her husband, Bernie, in the South England Conference.


QUESTION: My family is involved in lots of activities. How busy is too busy?

    Our family seems to be actively involved in lots of good, wholesome activities with our local church and school.  But sometimes I wonder how busy is too busy?  Last week 5 nights were filled with "good activities" (Pathfinders, youth meetings, church committee meeting, school board, church seminar, and a school event.) How many evenings a week would family life professionals recommend that families try to reserve to be together as a family? Sherrie in California.

ANSWER: My family is involved in lots of activities. How busy is too busy?

    Sherrie, I think you are asking a very useful question. Lots of activities are good for children, but just because they are good, does not mean that you and your child should participate in everything your church has to offer. Parents often feel a pressure to support their local church’s program, but it's important to remember what those programs are for – the programs are there for the people and the people are not there for the programs!
    I have some friends who are both on the pastoral team of a large and growing church. This church believes that it needs to take care of its employees and their families. It has a strict policy that church workers should work no more than seven evenings out of fourteen, so that they are at home with their families at least as often as they are doing something at church.   
    Some churches choose to have all their meetings on one or two nights. So on those nights the children will have Pathfinder club, children’s choir practice, or homework club while their parents attend a seminar or a meeting, so that the children are supervised and their parents are free to do what they need to do. This is a good solution because it means that the church meetings have strict boundaries that don’t harm the families in their congregation.
    Other churches have decided to ask themselves the question: How will this planned activity, program or decision affect the families in our church? Will it make them stronger and closer, or will it add unnecessary stress to their lives? How can we create a church community that truly supports families and marriages by making their lives easier, rather than more difficult?
    As a family it may be important to sit down and evaluate your activities. What effect does being involved with so many activities have on your family? Do you feel rushed and stressed by all the meetings? Do the meetings help you to be better parents and a closer family, or do they prevent you from building close relationships with each other and God?Does anyone in the family resent the time that other people are being involved in church and school activities? What would you be doing together if you weren’t so busy with the church activities? In what way does your family serve the local community with its own ministry activities?
    Most Adventist families need to be together, where possible, on Friday evenings. Thursday evenings may become Sabbath preparation time for busy families with working parents. Saturday nights may also be important times for Adventist families to be together. It is also good to have at least one other evening a week that is protected as special family time, during which family activities are a priority. Do things that are fun, that teach your children Christian values and life skills, and keep the time special. If you need ideas for family nights, check out the resources from Heritage Builders at www.heritagebuilders.com, or one of my books (100 Creative Prayer Ideas, 100 Quick and Easy Worship Ideas, and 100 Creative Activities for Sabbath), remembering that an activity suitable for Sabbath is also suitable for any other day of the week. Our children are not with us for many years, we need to make the most of the moments, and help them live lives free from the over-stress of rushing to and from too many activities, however worthwhile.
    Answer provided by Karen Holford, MSc in Family Therapy, MA in Educational and Developmental Psychology, works as the Family and Children’s Ministries Director together with her husband, Bernie, in the South England Conference.