Adventist Parenting

    What is the best way to deal with a child who is lying?

QUESTION: My daughter wants to pierce her ears, how do I respond?

    My 10-year-old daugther has asked to pierce her ears. She wants to wear earrings. I tried to explain to her that internal beauty is more important that external. I also told her I believe it is a waste of money. She only replied that we are so spiritual. How can I give her a satisfactory answer? Bertina Choo.

ANSWER: My daughter wants to pierce her ears, how do I respond?

    It can really challenge us when our daughters (or sons!) want to pierce their ears, or other visible body parts, and to wear jewelry. Many of the arguments we have given in the past can seem to be more inadequate in the 21st Century when wearing jewelry is not generally considered to be a matter of morality. This is further complicated when children see adult church members wearing earrings, etc.
    These days earrings are not expensive, an attractive scarf can be considered unnecessary adornment, and be more expensive than jewelry, and we see children in the mall wearing earrings from babyhood.
    When our daughter was ten she also wanted to wear earrings, and we weren’t sure how to respond to her request. I explained to her that wearing earrings was a complicated issue for us, and more was involved than just wanting to look pretty. We asked her to wait until she was sixteen to make the choice, because her choice was not just about her. It would affect her friends, other families, and church members.  
    Fortunately she agreed to wait. By the time she was sixteen she realized the effect it would have on her church peers if she did pierce her ears, and she agreed that we had done the right thing to make her wait. I also knew that she had, and still has, the freedom to pierce her ears at any time, and I needed to think about how I would respond to her if she did.  
    What would inform my response? By not wanting her to wear earrings would I be showing more concern about her outward appearance than her experience with God? Was I more concerned about what other church members would think about me as a parent if she wore jewelry, than I was concerned about the quality of my relationship with my daughter, or her experience of God’s grace through me?
    As parents we need to set standards for our children. We each need to decide on what those standards are, why we have set them, what we will do if our children challenge them, and how we can maintain a positive relationship with our children even when they do things we don’t like. We also need to keep in mind the bigger picture of parenting when we choose where to set the boundaries for our children. The good news is that God loves our children all the same, whether their ears are pierced or not. How can we convey that truth to our children as we deal with this delicate issue?
    One teenage daughter chose to have her ears pierced, after a long discussion with her parents about the choice she was about to make. The girl knew her father did not approve of her choice, but when she returned home he hugged her and told her she looked beautiful. Never once did he criticize her or nag her about her choice. His response melted her heart. She still wears the earrings, but his gracious accepting act meant that the earrings issue brought them closer together rather than driving them apart.
    Answer provided by Karen Holford, MSc in Family Therapy, MA in Educational and Developmental Psychology, works as the Family and Children’s Ministries Director together with her husband, Bernie, in the South England Conference.

QUESTION: How do I help my child not get so upset when she loses a game?

    I need ideas to help my seven-year-old not to get so upset when she doesn't win at a game or sporting event. Thanks! LJ

ANSWER: How do I help my child not get so upset when she loses a game?

It can be very hard for seven-year-olds to respond well when they lose, it’s hard for all of us, but knowing how to respond gracefully when someone else has done better than you is a good life-skill—for sports, relationships, and work. Here are a few ideas that may be helpful.
    As parents we can model good losing skills. How do we respond when someone else does better than us at work, or when we make a mistake, or when someone pushes in front of us? We can use these as opportunities to model non-jealous, polite, and graceful behavior.
    We can also help our children to practice good losing skills by playing simple games with them at home. When we lose a game we have another chance to model an appropriate response. In our home we have a tradition that whenever a person wins a game, they have to give each of their fellow players a treat out of their ‘treat box’—such as a healthy snack bar, nuts, dried fruit, or candy. This helps the losers feel happy and helps the winner to be generous with the rest of the players (without whom they couldn’t have won).  
    Also, try encouraging your children to watch sporting events on TV and to notice how the losers respond to losing—what behavior do they model? How do the winners respond to the losers? In addition, try role-playing winning and losing situations with your children to reinforce appropriate responses. This will help the words to come to mind quicker when they are distressed and disappointed. Romans 12:15 encourages us to ‘rejoice with those who rejoice.’ We need to find ways to help our children rejoice with the winners, as well as to be compassionate towards the losers.  
    We can also help our children to reframe losing as inspiration to try harder. Every winner has to lose lots of times before they become a winner. Being a good winner is about being a good loser. Help your child create a slogan for losing well and make a poster of the slogan for their room.  
    It can also be useful to reward appropriate losing behavior with a different kind of prize—such as a small treat. Just make sure your child sees the treat as a reward for their appropriate behavior rather than as comfort for their sadness.
    Answer provided by Karen Holford, MSc in Family Therapy, MA in Educational and Developmental Psychology, works as the Family and Children’s Ministries Director together with her husband, Bernie, in the South England Conference.